Of all of the obnoxious, unneighborly, and downright stomach-turning behavior that I have encountered in offices over the years - the loud talkers, the unrelenting political debaters, the soup slurpers, the ear and nose pickers, the too much information on the telephone guy, the people who clip their fingernals and toenails at the desk, and those who stink up the entire floor by microwaving fish at lunchtime - the current record-holder is a guy who clears his throat throughout the day with a loud, deep-throated, "hocker" sound whilst sitting as his desk during business hours.
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Angels
In an environment that thrives on negative reinforcement, treasure those kind and thoughtful souls who take the time to help you when you desperately need support.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
An Ounce of Common Courtesy
It's not that difficult to chew with your mouth closed. Really, it isn't! Perhaps you might try practicing the technique at home before bringing your meals into the office.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
The Loudest Guy In The Office
That moment when the loudest guy in the office suite scolds someone else for talking while HE'S on the phone.
"Keep it DOWN! I'm trying to HEAR!"
Yeah, well, welcome to our world, you mannerless troglodyte!
"Keep it DOWN! I'm trying to HEAR!"
Yeah, well, welcome to our world, you mannerless troglodyte!
Thursday, March 31, 2016
An Open Letter
An open letter to the place where I worked a few years ago:
While I still have friends slaving away in your offices, I hesitate to tell the whole brutal truth about the way that you treat your workforce. But I have a long memory and a talent for putting my experiences into prose. Your day is coming. The cold, uncensored light of reality is poised and ready to shine down brightly upon you and expose every detail of your miserable, malignant festering sore of a corporate culture.
In the meantime, maybe you should clean up your act. Because this is going to be an interesting read for you shareholders and prospective employees.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Corporate Characters - The Empty Suit
I once worked on a large-scale development project with seventy or eighty other technologists. We we organized into teams of about ten people. Each team reported to a manager who worked with us closely and whom we saw every day.
Three levels of management higher than our bosses sat the department head, a man whom I never met and never even saw. His office was miles away, and apparently, he liked to stay there. We never received so much as an email from the guy.
Directly below the department head on the organization chart was another guy that I had never met. He had an impressive sounding name, something like MacArthur Wellington the Third.
I assumed that Mr. Wellington (not his real name, obviously) must have been extremely bright and accomplished fellow. I was young and naïve enough to believe that people rose to high positions based on merit. Meeting this fellow on this day led me to question that assumption.
Motivation
One afternoon without warning, we were instructed to congregate in the cafeteria for a mandatory meeting. No topic or agenda was offered. We were just told to be there - no excuses.
At the front of the room stood Mr. Wellington. He was a clean cut man in his late thirties with closely cropped blond hair. We took our seats, and Mr. Wellington began to speak. Scream might be a better word.
I'm going to go out on a limb here. My guess is that our fearless leader had recently attended a public speaking workshop, a training course that offered tips on clarity of message, overcoming anxiety, and creating a connection with the audience. These tips actually do work if you use them in the spirit of good communication. But bad things can happen when speakers fail to restrain their enthusiasm.
Imagine a man driving into his neighborhood after a long day at work only to discover that his house has been demolished by an incompetent wrecking crew. Apparently, they were supposed to tear down the house next door, but oops! They made a mistake on the address.
The hapless homeowner is incensed; he's outraged to the point of losing his mind. His face is red. Spit flies from his mouth as he screams in barely coherent sentences. This was how Wellington now appeared before us. If motivation was his objective, he was missing the mark.
Wellington's message was as unfortunate as his appearance. "I will not accept that this project is a failure!" he screamed. "I will never accept anyone telling me that this project is a failure, because it's NOT a failure!"
I was shocked. I had never heard anyone, even the grumpiest employee, suggest that our project was in some sort of jeopardy. Everyone was working hard week after week. We were delivering our respective pieces of the project more or less on time. The managers seemed upbeat; no one was giving off any negative body language.
And yet, here was the department head's right hand man informing us that our entire project was in jeopardy. That our months and months of hard work was perceived as a big disappointment. We left the cafeteria concerned not only about the future of the project but about whether we would even have jobs in another month.
Executive Decision
I don't know what this guy was thinking when he came up with the idea for this presentation. Was he really angry that day or just putting on a show to motivate the troops? Who knows? Maybe he thought that he could inspire us if he convinced us of his emotional investment in the outcome of the project.
Three levels of management higher than our bosses sat the department head, a man whom I never met and never even saw. His office was miles away, and apparently, he liked to stay there. We never received so much as an email from the guy.
Directly below the department head on the organization chart was another guy that I had never met. He had an impressive sounding name, something like MacArthur Wellington the Third.
I assumed that Mr. Wellington (not his real name, obviously) must have been extremely bright and accomplished fellow. I was young and naïve enough to believe that people rose to high positions based on merit. Meeting this fellow on this day led me to question that assumption.
Motivation
One afternoon without warning, we were instructed to congregate in the cafeteria for a mandatory meeting. No topic or agenda was offered. We were just told to be there - no excuses.
At the front of the room stood Mr. Wellington. He was a clean cut man in his late thirties with closely cropped blond hair. We took our seats, and Mr. Wellington began to speak. Scream might be a better word.
I'm going to go out on a limb here. My guess is that our fearless leader had recently attended a public speaking workshop, a training course that offered tips on clarity of message, overcoming anxiety, and creating a connection with the audience. These tips actually do work if you use them in the spirit of good communication. But bad things can happen when speakers fail to restrain their enthusiasm.
Imagine a man driving into his neighborhood after a long day at work only to discover that his house has been demolished by an incompetent wrecking crew. Apparently, they were supposed to tear down the house next door, but oops! They made a mistake on the address.
The hapless homeowner is incensed; he's outraged to the point of losing his mind. His face is red. Spit flies from his mouth as he screams in barely coherent sentences. This was how Wellington now appeared before us. If motivation was his objective, he was missing the mark.
Wellington's message was as unfortunate as his appearance. "I will not accept that this project is a failure!" he screamed. "I will never accept anyone telling me that this project is a failure, because it's NOT a failure!"
I was shocked. I had never heard anyone, even the grumpiest employee, suggest that our project was in some sort of jeopardy. Everyone was working hard week after week. We were delivering our respective pieces of the project more or less on time. The managers seemed upbeat; no one was giving off any negative body language.
And yet, here was the department head's right hand man informing us that our entire project was in jeopardy. That our months and months of hard work was perceived as a big disappointment. We left the cafeteria concerned not only about the future of the project but about whether we would even have jobs in another month.
Executive Decision
I don't know what this guy was thinking when he came up with the idea for this presentation. Was he really angry that day or just putting on a show to motivate the troops? Who knows? Maybe he thought that he could inspire us if he convinced us of his emotional investment in the outcome of the project.
The bottom line is that it didn't work. We walked in feeling fine. We walked out feeling a blend of shock and dismay - not to mention the suspicion that our management team was made up of raving lunatics.
Wellington was an Empty Suit, a polished person in a high ranking position who seemed to fulfill no useful purpose in the organization. The Empty Suit is like a well-dressed version of the Stuffed Shirt. He looks polished on the outside, but there isn't much substance on the inside.
The Empty Suit is a mystery. His clothes are impressive, but his role in the organization isn't clear. No one seems to understand what he does with his time or why he commands more money than the people who do the actual work.
The problem extends deeper than a simple lack of information or familiarity. You can actually meet the guy and talk to him, but you'll be more confused than you were before.
The Empty Suit: a corporate enigma.
Wellington was an Empty Suit, a polished person in a high ranking position who seemed to fulfill no useful purpose in the organization. The Empty Suit is like a well-dressed version of the Stuffed Shirt. He looks polished on the outside, but there isn't much substance on the inside.
The Empty Suit is a mystery. His clothes are impressive, but his role in the organization isn't clear. No one seems to understand what he does with his time or why he commands more money than the people who do the actual work.
The problem extends deeper than a simple lack of information or familiarity. You can actually meet the guy and talk to him, but you'll be more confused than you were before.
The Empty Suit: a corporate enigma.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Corporate Characters - The Stuffed Shirt
The Stuffed Shirt occupies a position of responsibility despite an apparent lack of qualifications.
The Stuffed Shirt might be an intelligent person. The might have an affable nature. They might even have both of these qualities. But if you spend any amount of time with them, you'll notice that certain leadership qualities are missing.
Effectiveness
A former associate used to work for a Stuffed Shirt. He made the following observation about his boss.
"This place doesn't succeed BECAUSE of him. It succeeds in SPITE of him."
The stuffed shirt may be knowledgeable in the ways of the firm. They might be a smooth talker in meetings. But they're not the first person that you would call if you absolutely, positively needed to get something done.
Decisiveness
Stuffed Shirts don't like to make decisions.
Every decision carries a degree of risk. If the decision results in a negative outcome, the person who made that decision will face criticism.
Stuffed Shirts abhor criticism. They avoid risk. When faced with a decision, the Stuffed Shirt will look to the team for a consensus. If the decision turns out to be a mistake, they'll be able to place the blame on others.
Focus
The Stuffed Shirt enjoys planning office events and outings. They're probably the right person to run the office pool for the Super Bowl or the College Basketball Playoffs. They already know everybody, and any excuse to focus on something other than deliverables and deadlines comes as a welcome relief.
Work Ethic
The Stuffed Shirt doesn't like to work late. They'll probably blame their family for a regular early departure, but their light scheduled is dictated by their own lack of motivation.
When asked by their superiors to participate a nighttime or weekend project, they'll seem distracted. They'll pass their time at the desk of a chatty colleague. Or, if the pressure is on to make a decision, they'll hover near the alpha employee who effectively runs their team.
Corporations are diverse systems. There are lots of distinct personalities in this arena. It's fascinating to watch them interact, to see who steps up and who stays in the shadows, to see who acts rationally while others want to act rashly.
The Stuffed Shirt will never amount to more than a cog in the wheel. He's a leaf floating down the river with the current. He goes where the current takes him, because he knows that he doesn't have the qualifications that he would need to redirect his trajectory.
The Stuffed Shirt might be an intelligent person. The might have an affable nature. They might even have both of these qualities. But if you spend any amount of time with them, you'll notice that certain leadership qualities are missing.
Effectiveness
A former associate used to work for a Stuffed Shirt. He made the following observation about his boss.
"This place doesn't succeed BECAUSE of him. It succeeds in SPITE of him."
The stuffed shirt may be knowledgeable in the ways of the firm. They might be a smooth talker in meetings. But they're not the first person that you would call if you absolutely, positively needed to get something done.
Decisiveness
Stuffed Shirts don't like to make decisions.
Every decision carries a degree of risk. If the decision results in a negative outcome, the person who made that decision will face criticism.
Stuffed Shirts abhor criticism. They avoid risk. When faced with a decision, the Stuffed Shirt will look to the team for a consensus. If the decision turns out to be a mistake, they'll be able to place the blame on others.
Focus
The Stuffed Shirt enjoys planning office events and outings. They're probably the right person to run the office pool for the Super Bowl or the College Basketball Playoffs. They already know everybody, and any excuse to focus on something other than deliverables and deadlines comes as a welcome relief.
Work Ethic
The Stuffed Shirt doesn't like to work late. They'll probably blame their family for a regular early departure, but their light scheduled is dictated by their own lack of motivation.
When asked by their superiors to participate a nighttime or weekend project, they'll seem distracted. They'll pass their time at the desk of a chatty colleague. Or, if the pressure is on to make a decision, they'll hover near the alpha employee who effectively runs their team.
Corporations are diverse systems. There are lots of distinct personalities in this arena. It's fascinating to watch them interact, to see who steps up and who stays in the shadows, to see who acts rationally while others want to act rashly.
The Stuffed Shirt will never amount to more than a cog in the wheel. He's a leaf floating down the river with the current. He goes where the current takes him, because he knows that he doesn't have the qualifications that he would need to redirect his trajectory.
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